1. I haven’t posted anything for the longest time. Whenever I try posting (which is via email by the way), I end up forcing myself to post anythingand create not much of a good post. So I usually just press Ctrl+A then delete.
2. Just this morning, I wrote down all the senatorial candidates and their platforms. With my little brother’s birthday celebration happening
tomorrow, I know I don’t have much time for last-minute fact finding on the candidates. I don’t have the luxury to watch debates on TV due to my not having a TV in our dorm, which is sometimes good because you get to detach yourself from all these TV personalities who try too hard to prove themselves that, even though they are comedians, they know a lot about life and politics as well (which is wrong because, when you know things, you don’t talk and talk using too much English or too much unnatural-sounding Filipino just to prove your wit). Not having TV is peaceful, although I needed one for elections. Anyway, I wrote the candidates down and ruled out those I won’t consider, of course with some research on their background. I have 14 candidates now. I advise voters to do that. I mean, we have to vote the lesser evils.
3. There are times when we feel like the place we are in is not the place where we belong anymore. A year ago, we could still manage, but things might and would change after a year. We tend to outgrow where we are at the moment. But then, as much as we want to leave, it is either we are not capable of leaving or we don’t know where to go. That’s the rub.
4. We tend to say that we learned our lesson, but screw that. We don’t
really learn because we still continue to entertain people who taught us
those harsh lessons of life. We still stay with the people who hurt us even
though they still forget our friendship just because they found new love or
even if we have been stood up by them for the nth time. We still stay even
if the best thing to do is leave and never look back.

Don’t you remember the good things that we shared?
Like how we were each other’s strength,
and shared each other’s weaknesses.
We were a tandem,
a perfect one.
Were.

I remember them, as if everything is happening now
as if the past is not some distant memory
but who am I to remind you of them
If it was I who caused you
that much pain.
That much.

But still I bring them back, or at least I tried to
hoping, just hoping, we can start over
to at least save the bits
of what we shared
and what we
had.

It was stupid, sure it truly was sheer stupidity
but I took the risk of committing one
by visiting you and revisiting
the happiness
and the pain
altogether.

Probably, I was just afraid to admit that one truth
the truth that I am afraid is happening
so I create a ton of detours
and misguide you, hide
the fact that, yes,
I miss you.

But what can we ever do, you tell me please,
the world is a pitfall of treachery
and we fall into one every time
we are always tricked
and we can never
escape.

So maybe, I should stay away from the one person
who has ever believed and accepted me
because I was bad to hurt you
and come back to hurt you
and cause you pain
twice as much.

Life is cruel, so they say, and I am a believer
but its cruelty lies in our actions
and how we handle them
life is cruelty at best
because of, well,
us.

So, I am backing off, this one I promise you
and maybe, I am never coming back
because I want you to be happy
I want the best for you
a life without me
in it.

We meet people for a reason, however it appears
but they say, that people coming or leaving
will do so because it is for the better
because, in the process,
we feel the pain
and learn.

Goodbye, I say, with a tone of undeniable finality
and with this, I give you assurance
that you will never hear of me
and that I will disturb you
that I will be gone
for good.

Dear Miss Pocketful of Sunshine,

Hello. I told myself that I will stop writing to you after my first letter. I figured that I have already said what I wanted to say, and writing another letter would make it appear that I missed talking to you. But then, yes, well, I don’t know what to say about that. Anyway, I told you that I am going to write again, and if I feel guilty if I would make you wait for nothing, so I wrote again. It hurts to wait for nothing, so here.

I pretty much had a tiring day. My mom asked me to conduct lectures for her students regarding journalism, and I spent the whole day discussing news, column, feature, and sports writing to children. The problem is, it is really hard to teach journalism to those kids. Or maybe, I’m just unfit for teaching kids. I;m very impatient, you know.

One of the students, Tricia, the youngest of them all, was really cute because she was able to write really cool stuff for the workshops. I am at the verge of making her win an award, but I can’t be biased.

Anyway, it was really hot the whole day. I perspired a lot. I don’t know why I am saying this, but right now, as I am alone in my room, remembering the hotness of the temperature the whole day makes me perspire despite the improvised coldness from the fan. 

Life is like that, I guess. Hardships are thrown at us, and we get by because we use improvisations. Do you believe that, Miss Pocketful of Sunshine?

So right now, I should sleep because my head hurts. Have you experience that, your head hurts but there wasn’t excruciating pain? You just feel like your head is really heavy. Have you ever felt that, Miss Pocketful of Sunshine?

Maybe, I just miss you. Sometimes, I imagine visiting you or asking you out. I was planning to buy a book yesterday and I was one sign away to actually asking you where you are, but I stopped myself. I also dream of you, to tell you the truth.

I should end it here. Goodbye, Miss Pocketful of Sunshine.

Dear Ms. Pocketful of Sunshine,

This is the first time that I would be writing to you. It has been more than a week since my accident, and I am pretty sure that you would ask about how I have been doing. I am well. My wound is healing. I still find it hard to eat and even laugh, but I am better than last week. So there, you need not to worry.

The week-long vacation taught me a lot of things, you know. Aside from little trips here and there to buy snacks for me and my little brother, I stayed home and had the bummest week of my life ever. I got to do a bit of editing job. I also helped mom with her documents for work. And I watched some movies. Then, staycation is over.

I’m a little jumpy now. Not that I am jumpy that I am nervous. I used jumpy there to describe my changing of topics. Like right now. I am about to change the topic. And here it goes. I miss school. It has been just a week since our last day of classes, and I miss it already. You can call me a geek, but studying is my diversion. 

Tomorrow, I will go back to work. I would still have this bandage on because my wound is still, well, there. I would have to explain to a lot of people what happened, and I hate it. Don’t you hate it too, Ms. Pocketful of Sunshine? Don’t you hate explaining things to people who don’t care? They only ask you about things so that they can gossip about it, nothing more. But if you would think about it, how will we know? How will we know if people care of they just want to create gossips about you? 

So I don’t know. I’m planning to quit work, you know. After my “critiquing” stint somewhere out of town, I would work on my resignation. I really do not know if this is the right move or if I can manage leaving, but I really want to and I will make it happen.

That is completely too much information, right? But I trust you so I tell you stuff like this. It is very hard to trust people nowadays, and I am giving a shot at trusting you.

Life is pretty difficult, Ms. Pocketful of Sunshine, right? You love and you do not get the love you deserve. You care and you get misunderstood by the people you care for. You do things for people who do things for someone else. You love the people who hurt you. You search for things that can never be found. You search for life’s greatest answers when the answer is life itself and its complexity and simplicity combined. Things like that. 

I am ending my letter here. I will try to write again if time permits. Goodbye, Ms.Pocketful of Sunshine.

I would admit it. It sucks to not have my own “that one person.” It is
tiring to beg for people’s attention, to make them notice you for them to
notice you, to be alone, to be the center of ridicule just because you want
to feel loved and cared for. I’m really tired to having to do the first
move to everyone. I need some caring and noticing too, you know. But I have
to be strong, I always tell myself. The few months to come should be my
pivotal turn to make changes in my life happen. I just guess you can’t have
everything all at once. At one point, your career or school gets a little
bit better, but you have to suffer a little bit with friends and your being
part of a social system. At one point, you get to realize what you want in
life, and in the process, you lose the other things that you have been
wanting constantly.

Life is not gonna be easy, I know, but should you blame me for wanting so
badly to just give up?

Interior. Bahay ni July. 1 AM.

Sabi nga nila, kung anu’t ano man, ikaw lang din ang magiging kakampi mo. Mahirap kasi iyong patuloy kang aasa sa isang tao o bagay o pagkakataon na alam mo naman wala namang mangyayari. Masakit kung tutuusin. E pero ganoon talaga ang buhay. Harsh. Masaklap. Ewan ko na rin sa mga pinagsasasabi ko, basta ang alam ko, minsan sobrang sakit na. Sobrang nakakapagod na. Sobrang nakakapagod na patuloy na umasa at masaktan, na mapahindian ng taong gusto mo. Ewan ko ulit. Siguro hindi ako itong nagsasalita. Napapagod na ako. Napapagod na akong patuloy na hilahin pabalik sa pighati habang patuloy akong lumalaban upang maging masaya. Masakit kasi. Gusto ko nang kumawala. O baka naman hindi. Kasi, paano iyon, kapag nakawala na ako, gaano ako kasigurado na magiging masaya ako? Walang kasiraduhan ang lahat. Ang hinaharap kasi ay marahas. Lahat na yata sa mundo ay marahas ano? Siguro kasi kailangan nating maging matatag. Ang labo lang, kailangan nating maging matatag dahil masaklap ang mundo, at masaklap ang mundo dahil magpapalakas ito sa atin. Paikot-ikot. Cyclic. Ganoon ang mundo. Masasaktan tayo at magiging masaya. Magmamahal at malulungkot. Patuloy na mabubuhay. Tutuloy hanggang sa.

So my weekend was sort of a blast primarily composed of running around
Corregidor, camping with friends, and enjoying my me-time lamentations by
the beach. I am really thankful for such an experience and I am planning to
do it again next year. Anyway, it’s nice to run, you know. It nice to feel
the breeze as you let gravity help you on your way down, and it is the same
gravity that makes it hard for you to run those uphill tracks. But what I
liked about running is that it is my little form of escape from everything
that holds me back from getting away and getting rid of that certain
sadness that has always been with me. I’ve always wanted to run and just
forget things for a while. I wanted to run away from worries and take with
me everything and everyone I need to move forward and be a better person.
We all have moments like that, right? We all come to a certain point where
we just want to walk away from all the pain and longing and heartbreak and
confusion and problems and everything emotion that we don’t really like.
But then, when we run, we don’t pretty much solve anything. We leave
everything behind us unresolved, and when we do that, going back will
always be harder. That probably is the rub.

The world is this humongous arena where things happen and each happenstance
affects another. It makes fate questionable because of the following
claims: 1) As I have said, an action is a result of another action. While
fate might have triggered the action that affected another, that particular
action is still an effect of another action. 2) When we decide on things,
we try as much as we can to consider what has happened and what will
happen. It could be fate that makes us finally decide to choose this over
that, but at the same time, it could be just us who actually made the
decision.

You see, fate is relative. We manipulate our own lives, but our actions,
chosen by us or not, are said to be anchored upon our fate. We are meant to
decide on something, and we are meant to maneuver our lives to a certain
direction. But how are we gonna prove that?

I don’t doubt fate, though. You don’t have to question things like fate and
destiny and life and existence. You just let them stay that way. The more
we try to question things, the more they get problematic and the more we
fail to understand them. We just have to let them be.

Back in high school, the school principal would tell it straight to my face
how bad I am at decision making. You see, our school has this obsession for
discipline and leadership. Whenever you fail their expectations, they would
belittle you until you couldn’t take it any longer. I was excelling at
academics then, but they hate me so much for being a bad leader and
decision maker. Whatever I can do with my grades, it could never compensate
for anything because all they see is the bad.

So, as I was saying, they say I was bad at decision making. I graduated
believing that, that there is no way I could decide properly for myself.
Despite the fact that we get to learn more as we study in college and as we
grow, I was trapped in that certain belief. There is no way I can be good
at something I was always told that I am not good at.

Up to this day, I feel that way in everything that I do. I need to call my
friend to decide what clothes to buy. I feel like I bought the wrong things
after buying them. I regret going here and eating there. I had to ask my
mom if my decisions are correct. I doubt the things that I want. I decide
to leave someone but then I regret it. Things like that. I’m a classic
loser, right?

For instance, at one recent circumstance in my life, I decided to leave
someone, as previously mentioned. I figured that I was doing the right
thing and it was the mature thing to do. I figured that, even though it’s
sort of sad to put it to an end after years of hangouts and food trips and
sharing of ideas and fights and makeups, it would be best if we grow apart,
just so we could learn new things and move forward. It was as if we were
trapped in a loop and the only way to get out of it is to stay away from
each other. Sound like, finally, a good decision, right?

Where did it take us? Did we actually grow? Did the ends justify the means?
Was it really the right thing to do?

We have become bitter, more bitter than necessary. From what I hear
(pretending that I don’t stalk), things have become worse for her.
Bitterness crawls and stays in her heart, and as much as I try not to, I
get affected. My actions affected hers and her actions after mine affected
me. That is how things go.

There wasn’t any growth. It was even immature. We went into the exact
opposite of where I wanted us to be. I thought that, by explaining
everything as cautiously as I can, I will get her to accept and understand.
But no, it ended up even worse.

If we identify if something is right based on the outcome, my decision is
therefore not the right thing to do.

Probably, people from high school were right. I am a bad decision maker.
All I wanted was to just focus, at the moment, on school, work, and
providing for my family, the reason why I had to let go a lot of things for
a while. I just can’t believe that fate has not favored my decisions, and
this is what I get.

We are dominoes falling one after another. Our actions will affect another
action. We don’t really have to blame it to fate because, if we do, we
would end up depending too much on what is destined for us. If we decide,
we must be responsible for it. If we decide, we must accept and suffer the
consequences.

It is hard to live with bitterness in your heart. It is hard to wake up
everyday wanting to check if that one person is still bitter. They say
that, if two people are meant to be together, whatever happens now, they
will still be together. However, this fate will still depend upon their
actions. How will two people be together in the future if they are
developing hate toward each other at present, considering that this will
affect their present and future relationship?

A good action is equal to a good effect, but good or bad, you are most
likely to get a good effect if you accept and understand what fate throws
at you. You just have to handle it well.

So I watched “Looper” yesterday, and it was a good movie. It is futuristic
and you’ll love this kid Cid, well, if he’s not angry. I won’t make a
review. I like making reviews only for FIlipino films, and that’s not
because I would like to rip the negative stuff out of them. I just think
that foreign films get millions anyway, and of course I appreciate or not
appreciate even these movies. But I wouldn’t go all over the place
patronizing these films to the point of critiquing them. I prefer to just
react and nothing more.

With FIlipino films, I feel the need to analyze them in my own little way
because we have to see these loopholes. Whenever I write reviews, I am
lucky to get 20 readers (that’s serious and not just trying to look pitiful
like what other bloggers do, because I have a tendency to write wrong and I
get bored reading them myself). But maybe, just maybe, someone working for
these Filipino film productions may come across my blog on a very
impossible instance, and maybe he could share that to his bosses, with of
course not taking the criticisms, if any, negatively. Or maybe, one of
those 20 people who get to read a review would turn out to be a
scriptwriter or a director or a producer someday, and I hope he remembers
me saying that this movie sucks because of yada yada yada, and he would opt
not to follow the steps of that certain film. There are possibilities.

You see, people criticize not to hate or bash. People do that for the
better. For changes. For improvement.

Going back to “Looper,” I had a dream of the future last night. It was
really funny and I was with Lois and Edward. Edward was pleading that we go
with him to Baguio, and it was, what, year 2044? I don’t know. All I’m
saying is, the future is fascinating. And creepy.

The thing with futuristic film, if you have noticed, is that it is not
good. “Wall-E,” for instance, had people live in space and just sit in
chairs and drink breakfast-flavor smoothies. They grew really fat and they
don’t even know how to walk. And they don’t know swimming pools and dance
and trees and all. The “Hunger Games” trilogy had kids kill each other. The
Capitol is really a kind of place that is pathetically marvelous. Imagine,
while people in districts die of hunger, Capitol people eat and drink and
party and drink this juice to make them puke when they are really full so
that they can eat again. And please, don’t get me started with their
fashion. Things like that.

Are we gonna end up like that? For real? Do we blame technology or
ourselves? Or how technology has invited the evil out of man?

Pretty obvious, although there are possibilities.

Hello. These past few weeks have become really difficult for me. I missed being a student, and part of my becoming a part-time student all over again is having to face all the academic workload. I have just presented my two final papers yesterday. These papers are like your undergrad thesis narrowed down into five short chapters, similar to those research works published on academic journals. The presentation, on the other hand, is sort of a defense. I did well, I guess, not the best but just right to probably get me a good grade. Right now, I am to work on my take-home final exam for my other subject. And then, I have my last paper for the semester due next week. Plus work and nonacademic nonwork activities.

I really don’t have much of a point here. I just want to tell stories, to go back to the basic journal kind of blog. And I like to say that there are things that are hard but could still be fun. And that we surpass things when we enjoy them. And that we enjoy things if we are interested in them and if we have friends to support and encourage us. And that good things in life don’t always come that easily. And that sacrifices have to be made. And that, sometimes, to forget, we have to be distracted. And that, in anything in life, there’s no giving up.

Thank you for reading. Have a great weekend!

I don’t know if I am busy. Well, I have three major papers due next week and I even have to change one of the topics due to some management delays. Now, I am lost because I don’t have plan B. So, I don’t know if I am busy. I still have the time to post a few of my laments here. I still get to tweet and laugh out loud with my classmates via BBM. I think it’s how cellphones are handy; you get to do a lot of things with just one gadget anytime and anywhere. 

But I forget a lot of things, too. For example, I have forgotten my daily routine of stalking your posts and tweets. The thing is, with this one, I don’t know if this is because I am busy and preoccupied with academic-related worries or because I have already gotten over you the way you’ve gotten over me. Weeks ago, I check your page everyday, even a number of times daily, and there, I saw a lot of words laid down for me, being assuming aside. But eventually, these things came and went away, so maybe, you got tired and stopped talking about me. And then, there’s nothing to check for me. The hype of checking your posts diminished, and before I knew it, I have already forgotten in. So maybe, this is the end, the end that I chose anyway. 

And sometimes, we doubt the decisions that we make. Is this the right choice? Are we better off choosing this? 

1. It is hard to hate someone you deeply love. No matter how much you hate the action that has been done, you can’t hate the person. You can hate your mom or your friends because, at the end of the day, they are the people you truly care for. Thus, when they do something bad and you hate the action and can’t hate them, the feeling is even worse.
2. It is hard to make people like you. You show your best. You try and talk to people, but if they are not interested and are not even willing to welcome you in, you will never be part of anything and people will never ever get to know who you are and like you in the process.
3. It is hard to want to cry and you can’t even actually do it. Sometimes, we think that crying can at least lessen the pain. I don’t know if it does, but because we have minimal ways of lessening how bad we feel, we resort to crying, to at least crying things out. I want to cry, but I can’t.